I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
