I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
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rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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