I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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