and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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