I met the friendliest cop last night
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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