He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
