Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
