I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
