Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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