I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
