Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I have fence marks all over my body
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
