Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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