no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
