i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize