Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
