I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I have fence marks all over my body
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
