..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
smell my finger.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
