I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
