Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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