Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
