Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize