I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Sober January is a disaster.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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