she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
