I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
