If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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