please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
