I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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