I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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