he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
