I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
