I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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