just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
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