I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
