Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
