Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
