guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
