He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So squirting runs in the family.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
