I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
