I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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