Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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