i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
