toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
