My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
