I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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