Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Im part way to drunk.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
