I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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