i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
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Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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