I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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