There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
