i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
