So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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