tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
