true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
