normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
