walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
