I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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